Make Ontario Great Again: Trump Renames Giant Lake and Invites “Pretty Women” to Splash Around.
At a hastily convened press conference on the shores of Lake Ontario, Donald Trump officially renamed the body of water “Lake America” by executive order. Standing on a quickly constructed stage—flanked by two dozen American flags and a line of gold stanchion ropes stretching for miles—he announced the immediate takeover of the world’s fifth-largest lake. “Ontario?
What kind of word is that, anyway? Sounds very weak. Sounds like socialism or something worse—probably French,” Trump shouted to the cheering crowd. “The Canadians have been using this lake unfairly for years. They send their water over to us, and it’s cold water. Not good water. We’re going to make the lake great again.
From today on, it’s called Lake America.
The deepest, cleanest, and most patriotic lake the world has ever seen. The fish here already love me; they only swim in American waters now.” But the renaming was just the first step in his new maritime strategy. As part of the newly launched “Tremendous Splash Initiative,” Trump issued a direct appeal to the continent’s female population. “We need more energy at this lake, right now,” Trump declared, tracing the shape of an hourglass in the air with his hands. “That’s why I’m calling on all pretty young women—and we’re talking about genuine tens here, not fours or fives—to put on their bikinis immediately and go for a swim in Lake America.
The water needs the right look. If it’s just Canadian beavers swimming there, it looks terrible for the Coast Guard’s ratings. We want great women swimming in the best lake in the world. I’ll be watching personally from my helicopter and handing out scores. It’s going to be phenomenal.” At the same time, he announced plans to build a floating golden wall in the middle of the lake to separate the Canadian water from the “true American side.” The government in Ottawa responded immediately with a polite but visibly bewildered press release, pointing out that water-based borders are physically difficult to police.
Trump, however, dismissed these concerns as “fake news from the geography lobby.”
